He brought back memories...

I'm not having a good day. Yeah, its Friday and all...but i feel really sad. I want to scream, i want to cry and oddly i'm pretty much pissed off...its wierd, i guess i don't want to be sad and i want to suppress my feelings.

Its been a wierd week actually. I swear its like my husband is trying to connect w/ me. I miss him soooo much and i'm really feeling it right now. U know i have good days and bad days and I can pretty much handle these feelings. I don't break down easily, i don't cry easily...i seem to have gotten a handle over my emotions. Its just that i guess today they're catching up to me.

So the straw that broke "my" back was one of my co-workers, he wrote a poem (i say he's in love, but he says he's just expressing himself...SURE) but really, he had some downtime and wrote a poem. He sent it to me cuz i love reading his stuff and then he did it...he got to me. I swear its like an excerpt of a page in my life. I swear I have lived that moment w/ my husband and its one of those memories that is burned into ur heart and brain FOREVER....i would love to share it w/ u guys, here it is:

When you called my name, I awoke from slumber. Laying my eyes on you for the first time my heart tensed. We chatted incessantly on trivial matters, but the moment was anything but trivial. I remembered how your smile captivated me. I responded with squinting eyes and blushing smiles. I lingered to reach out and touch you. I wanted to brush your hair away from your eyes, but the wind was more confident. I turned to look at you but you were lost in deep thoughts. I wanted my heart to speak, but the words could not escape. You said you had to go and my heart softened. You assured me with a smile and I replied with a wave. I watched you walked away and my legs wanted to give chase, but my languishing heart could not endure. SC

Quite the writer huh, yeah, he made me choke up....and if ur reading this "Mr. SC" u suck...but its all good...i got this. Anyways.....just wanted to vent.

~I miss u babe.....

Monday Bliss...

So I had an awsome 4 day weekend. Friday I was off and Monday was a holiday...well at least for us civil servants who are blessed to have every freaking "holiday" in the calendar off. oh yes, these are the times i love working for the city baby!! however, coming back was a b*tch...there were tons of messages to get back to and the work, oh the work...well lets just say, i really should be catching up right about now instead of posting..hehe...

So what's new? Well i got bangs...yeah,i had been toying w/ the idea for a couple of months. everytime i went to get my hair done i asked my hairstylist to have my bangs frame my face, right about the cheeks, ok now have em sweep under my eye, u know about nose level and then i did it. i got couragous and just said, "girl, just do it, give me bangs." i like em, my hair is still layered however i got bangs. i look like j-lo in the "aint that funny - remix video" lol...or another version at least...

Ok and now for the important news. Monday was actually a pretty nice day. I hung out w/ Mr. G. all day. I had told him that I didn't have to work and he asked me to come over and kick it? Since they're still in that whole moving transition stage, no one would be home and he'd have the house all to himself. Well...what's a girl to think? I was stressing ~ should i go??? should i just politely back out and say i'm busy???? well thanks to all of ur suggestions, oh who the hell am i kidding, I just said f*ck it, what is there to lose except time and we've wasted a lot of that already...so i said sure, i'll be there.

I got there around 9 or so and he had breakfast ready...ahhh...we went up to his room (ok stop thinking what ur thinking) and chilled. i'm serious, we got comfy on his bed (i swear it has to be the most comfortable matress i've ever laid on)cuddled and just talked. I swear, hours went by and all we did was talk and laugh and just chill. it was great. he kept making me laugh, touching my face, kissing my forhead, my hands, my cheek...he was such a sweetheart. i was waiting for him to make a pass at me or put his hands somewhere but he didn't. i was very surprised. we did kiss and u know how i love that, but he didn't try anything funny. I had a great time. We were supposed to go to lunch or catch a movie but we never left the room. its so true that you lose track of time when ur enjoying urself...we're supposed to get together again soon. when i asked why he hadn't tried anything, he replied "i'm not trying to rush u." I'm figuring this is working out nicely. he doing and saying all the right things so far...so we'll see.

I don't expect much to come out of this, i told him that i'm going to just let things work out as they may. Don't worry, i'm not about to get "caught up" or "sprung", i'm well aware of the situation, so i'm just going to let things happen and take advantage of the couple of weeks he's going to be around.

One Month?

Alright...here it is. Things are not as they seemed or at least how i had thought they would be....It seems that Mr. G will be sticking around for bit longer. Hmm? Ok, so his mother decided (at the last minute) that she didn't want the model home she had originally set her sights on. It seems that there are bigger and better homes for her to marvell at. Which is all fine and dandy, girl are allowed to change their minds...BUT that just means that she has ruined my "good-bye" moment. Let me explain.

The woman has decided to back out of her first choice and purchase another home, which means, yes they have to move out ASAP cuz the home they live in now has already been purchased by someone else, however their NEW house won't be ready for a month! A month people! That sort of means that they're homeless for the time being. However, a kind family friend has opened his doors to Mr. G's family and they'll be crashing there for a bit. Oh but wait, not Mr.G... Mr. G will be crashing w/ one of his buds, who just happens to live DOWN THE FREAKIN STREET FROM MY HOUSE...hmmm? Can u see where this is headed....

Ok, so in a way I was happy, u know, the whole kiss thing threw me for a loop, quite enjoyable, BUT i had made my peaces w/ the whole situation. I had laid it to rest. U know it was all fun and games, he managed to piss me off in the beginning, i was a b*tch for a while, then when i gave in, it was surprisingly WONDERFUL and i was ready to just let it go...move on...keep on truckin...then he busts the "oh, guess what? I'm not moving yet, I'll be here for another month!" what????????? wait....this wasn't the plan...ur supposed to leave. i'm supposed to revel in the (one) awsome memory i have of u and just be like whatever....but now he's not leaving. so what is the problem u ask? the problem is...what happens now? He hasn't stopped calling me. Things seem to be going the same, EXCEPT for the fact that we had "a moment." ok so some of u r like..."oh, soozie, ur sooo silly, it was only a kiss," yeah, it was but things happen after "a kiss", especially after one like that. I should know...

So i'm wondering where do we go from here. Do i enjoy him for the month? Should i just be like "F*CK IT" it's only a month, I should enjoy him while he's still here? Or should i stick to my ~ goodbye? Not so surprisingly, i've seen him again after "the kiss" and he went "shopping" w/ me. It was cute. We went to Target...how romantic huh? LOL. he's a sweetie though, didn't let me reach for stuff, loaded the stuff onto the cart for me, loaded it into my car, AGAIN opened MY DOOR and I'm the one driving (I can't get over that) and then when i dropped him off, YES we made out again...ohhhh those lips...anywho...yeah...i see a pattern here...

U know, we've never had that "date" we were supposed to go on and he's been throwing that suggestion around and I just "seem" to be busy all the time, or so i MAKE it that way.... my buds at work say i should just go already...i dunno people...what do u think? do i leave well enough alone or just go for it? questions,questions??? ughhhhhh...and let me know cuz we're down to 29 days...LOL...just kidding...

All it took was a kiss...

What's up peeps...i'm back, well i don't know for how long, but i thought i would at least drop a line u know. so yeah, i've been worked to death. interviewing people, trying to fill spots, meetings, meetings, meetings, deadlines, reports BLAH BLAH BLAH. i think i actually liked being a pee-on, u don't have to deal w/ all this BULL SH*T....all of a sudden i'm responsible for OTHER people and their work or LACK OF, i have to be the bearer of bad news and i have to answer for all of thier F*CK UPS...gee and i thought i'd be kicking back and bossing people around when i signed up for this...boy was i wrong huh...LOL...its really ok though, i'm just doing some much needed venting..i'll quit now, my staff is awsome, i couldn't have asked for a better crew, i just like to give em' hell when i can...ok so now for the updates...

Mr. G.,oh Mr. G...so people told me, don't u think u've tortured him enough? and i was like..."no" but then they were like, "um, yes u have, lets be nice now, he has made major imporvements" and well he has...so i'm like, "oh all right, i'll be nice, but i'm not promising anything ok" so...there i go being nice and we started talking again, but i still have my gaurd up and now i'm calling the shots right. well next thing we find out is that he's moving. he's gotta move cuz his family bought a house out in Palmdale...now for those of u who are not fellow LA'ers....Palmdale and Fontana are like freaking FAAAAAAAAAAAR from eachother...at least an hour and 45 min drive and that's not even with traffic folks...he was supposed to move out w/ his brother in Fontana but since he'll be leaving to the Marines ANYWAYS...his brother didn't want to pick up the rent slack after Mr. G left so they were forced to go live w/ thier parents...so that means he's gotta go. he's not happy about it, and well i thought i was like "whatever" about it until...it came down to the real deal...so he said his goodbyes on Friday at the studio. Everyone was crying, the instructors, the students...no, not me. though, i will admit that i got really really sad. he's leaving...i'm not going to flirt w/ anyone at the studio anymore. his little fine ass won't be there to make me smile or laugh, i won't be able to tease him anymore..hee hee...so he came up to me gave me a really tight hug, picked me up and twirled me...(i swear it really happened) then kissed me on the cheek. said "i'm gonna miss u the most, u know that right?" so i was like, well that's gotta be a line, i know it is, but u know what....who gives a sh*t...i'll bite...it was really sweet. ok so that's when i was like, "soozie, ur an idiot, the guys leaving and u've been such a b*tch...(hee hee)...and then he walked out....

So yeah it was all dramatic and stuff...but wait, it doesn't end there. he didn't end up going home. he went to one of his friend's house and was kicking it. he called me and asked if we could hang out at least ONE time before he left. well i couldn't really hang out cuz i had to drive to LA Friday night but i told him i could meet up w/ him at least for an hour or so...so yeah, i did. I can't knock him for the fact that he has always been a gentleman...i needed to fill up on gas and he got out and asked if i wanted him to pay for gas? and then he went and filled er' up...now i know its something really small...but that's just it...it's the small stuff u know, like when he opened up MY door and i was driving? who does that? so yeah, you could feel the flirtiness (i know it's not a word, but its my story) in the air and when we got back in the car he was like "damn, ur so beautiful, you could have anyone u want and here u r spending time w/ me. thank you..." i was like "self, u know that was another line right, but DAMN...it was definitely a good one" so then i also said "self, look, this is PROBABLY the last time ur gonna see him, y not enjoy and revel in the adjulation?" so that's what i did...i let it happen. i let it consume me...and boy was it worth it.

Ok...WAIT a MINUTE....don't get all carried away now, it wasn't like we did the nasty (not that i didn't think about it, hee hee) but i controlled myself. so here's what happened. right after he threw the line he leaned in, gently placed his fingers underneath my chin and pulled in for the kiss...(deep ***sigh***) yeah, i just lost my breath remembering it. wow, i swear on everything it was one of the BEST KISSES EVER. look i don't like to knock anyone down but i give credit where credit is due. everyone knows what i'm talking about. some people, u have to LEARN to kiss, u have different kissing styles and its kind of wierd at first but then u guys learn to do it u know...well NOT MR. G folks...little bastard can definitly kiss. ohh and remember i told u about the tounge ring...(sigh, again) yeah, he's got skills, boy does he have skills....i'm in awe, i'm shocked, i'm baffled at how skillful the young man is...then needless to say we sucked face for a while cuz i was in heaven and was like, ok maybe this time he'll be bad, no? ok maybe this time? no...damn, i couldn't get enough...then i thought ok i gotta drop u off cuz this is only making things worst, i'm not gonna sleep w/ u (thought about it - then confirmed it) no i'm not, so i really gotta drop him off. and so i did. we said our final good-byes...he gave me one of those tight hugs again, looked at me and said "promise, u'll be good?" i was like "what?, should't i be telling u that?" and he was like "really, be good ok and keep in touch" i said "of course."

So that was that and then i left, i thought that was one of the sweetest experiences i've had. it was really nice and i enjoyed it..maybe a bit too much but f*ck it, i did. Regrets? only that i could have made out w/ him a long time ago and enjoyed it longer...but other than that...nahh....things happen for a reason. I wonder if he'll keep in touch, i wonder if i'll see him after he comes back from the Marines (cuz he swears he's moving back to Fontana when he gets out of the Marines)...i don't know, we'll just have to wait and see...till then, boy, Friday night will forever be one of those nights that i'll look back on and just sigh and smile. (wink)