Slowly...

This weekend was an interesting one for me. I finally raised up enough strength to get rid of some of my husbands clothes. Its been sitting in his closet since he passed, neatly hung and untouched. In the dresser drawers, his t-shirts are neatly folded and other clothing still sit there unbothered. Its as if he's still coming home one day and his things will be there ready if he needs them. I know he's not coming home..i understand that...its just that i feel that if i give his stuff away, i'm getting rid of him...and i'm not ok with that idea. I know he will "forever" live on in my heart but its just really hard to cope with the idea that he's no longer coming home...

I remember that about a week after he died ~ i was "advised" to get rid of his things as soon as possible because it might be unbearable for me to have his things around....i was shocked, annoid and i didn't understand how someone could tell me that. its been very theraputic for me to have his things around. i still open up the medicine cabinet and see his contacts, his shaving cream and his colognes. I sometimes spray cologne on my arm so that i can smell him...its very nostalgic and soothing...i look through his clothes...look at his jewelry, look at his wallet, his keys...its as if he's still around....that comforts me.

My husband died approximately nine months ago...for nine months his belongings have been with me. My bestfriend and brother were very comforting when i called to tell them that i was going to go through the closet and start sorting things and giving things away...they said that i knew the day would eventually come and that i should only do it if i really thought it was necessary...i kept clothing that was meaningful to me, clothing that i knew he would want his boys to have. Lets get something straight here...i only did the closet...the dresser drawers will have to wait...i'm not ready to get rid of EVERYTHING yet. Its not time.

Anywho...slowly i know i'm going to get "through" this...i guess people cope with these things differently. I'm going to take my time though. Even if it takes a year, 2, 3 or never...his memory does live on, through his clothes, his belongings, pictures, memories and through his children. God how i miss him....

It's a bit complicated?

Love...its one of the craziest, most wonderful, most torturous (is that a word?), most exciting emotions i have ever known. Why is it that some approach it whole heartedly and lose ourselves in the process while others tread around it VERY carefully, not allowing themselves to be consumed by all of its beauty and pain?

Ok, I'll admit it...I'm one of those dumbasses that goes into it just ready to fall in love so deeply that my heart has control of my emotions instead of my head. BUT i've learned a lot through the years to where i'm careful, but once i'm in love THAT's it buddy...i'm a sucker, i'm a goner, stick a fork in my, I'M DONE...

While other's (my best friend) refuse to fall in love. doesn't like using the word, is very careful about becoming attached to people for fear of losing them? I know it stems from pain of losing his mother at a young age and not having the best childhood, but to separate yourself from what i consider one of the most beautiful emotions? is that really possible? well from him i learned that it is... i know that he says he doesn't get attached to people because when u r truly happy that's when things are taken away from u...i hear it but i don't understand it? and its crazy cuz he has a girlfriend, they've been together on and off for about 10 years....however he would rather go through life not knowing or not wanting to experience TRUE love for fear of losing it? I guess its just who i am but i could never fathom not knowing what is like to give urself completely to someone and get that love in return...i don't doubt that he loves her though, he's said that he does...but at the same token he's really weary about taking the "next-step" with her..u know marriage.

I do understand the fear of falling in love so deeply and then losing it, shit i did. I loved my husband like no other. I gave myself completely for 10 years. I loved, cherished and obeyed...and u know what, i don't regret it. It hurts like hell, it burns me and tears me up to know that i have lost someone that i loved soooo much but i would have rather loved and lost than to never have loved at all...I could only be so lucky to love and be loved that way again....

I don't know, i'm just on a mission to help my bestfriend understand that its ok to fall in love. that its ok to lose...i mean he loves people but its only the people in a pretty tight circle. and the scary thing is that he can un-attach himself very easily from any one of them...his girl, his friends, even family. its crazy, cuz we've been through stuff and he's there for me...i seem to piss him off but not enough for him to cut me out of his life. wheew...

How about u? whats ur take on love? how do u approach it?

Play on Playette....

Ok first of all...i'm still feeling like crap...well not as bad as Tuesday, but pretty bad. I sound like a frog and my throat still hurts. I forgot my drugs today so i wasn't able to medicate myself to the point where i'm all smiles and not giving a f*ck....yeah, its a swell day...ok now for the real business...

Mr. G...oh, Mr. G. This little bastard is starting to work my nerves. He's playing games. Now I know, I know...u may ask urselves..what the f*ck? what happened Soozie? Everything was going so perrrty...Yeah, that's right it WAS going perrtty...Then i started catching on to his shinanigans. Now let me tell u, YOU CAN NOT BULLSHIT A BULLSHITTER!! Its not happening and we all know that Soozie girl has got some years on her little boy toy, therefore he should tread these waters lightly. Its all good though, he thinks he's slick and he thinks he can play games w/ me...oh honey, i'm going to have a field day w/ his a$$.

Young Mr. G thinks that he can play the "playa" card on me. He thinks he can "stand me up" yes u heard it "stand me up" and then get in good w/ me like nothing happened? Ummm....I don't think so. NOT only is there major ass kissing required here but payback, OHHH, payback is a BIAAATCH and so am i. U see...u have to act like everything is ok, act like u forgive and like "nothing happened" then when u get em' right where u want em' and BAAAM u just shut em down. See its funny cuz we were supposed to go out last Saturday and then when Saturday came around he danced around it and all of a sudden had a million and one things to do and so on and so forth...its cool...no problem here, i'm understanding and kind...(wink wink, nudge nudge). But don't try to call me the next day and make EXCUSES...then when we're at the studio, he's just a barrel of conversation and he's go sooo much to talk about but does he call me? Nope...no phone calls...lots of text messages, but no phone calls. Hmm? sounds like he's doing some overtime somewhere else huh?

Now for all of u who think im upset or pissy cuz i feel like he's running around town with other chicks (which i know he is) I'm not. I don't care...just don't lie to me and tell me ur NOT seeing anyone or "TALKING" to anyone when U R...its a respect issue people. Its a communication thing. Look, i aint gonna lie, the little bastard has it going on, he's finer than a muther!!! so its expected for him to have the masses swooning over him...just don't waste my time and try and PLAY ME honey...oh no...look if u wanna get some, sh*t we're adults here...lets talk about it, its not like the thought hasn't crossed our minds RIGHT, RIGHT...(doesn't mean he'll get lucky that easily) but come on...don't try and play me...

It's really funny to me cuz i grew up around this stuff. My brother's are both dogs in their own rights and proud of it. I saw "their game" and how they work it. Shit, i'm not proud of it (ok, maybe a tad) but i got game too baby...i've done some damage in my day too so u know i can read thru ur bullsh*t any day. Its a power that i am proud to have inherrited from the bro's...thanks guys! But really...we'll see what happens w/ young Mr. G.

He's in for a lesson....U wanna play with the big girls mijo? Get ready to have ur ass handed to u. I would like to quote this really cute tee i got at the mall right about now:

on the front: I'M THE ONE
on the back: ...that ur momma warned u about.

I think I'll wear it tonight at the studio.

Someone Shoot Me please!

Ok, i feel like crap...i've caught a cold and i just want to die. My head is killing me, my eyes are watery...my nose is red and my throat hurts like hell....It doesn't help that i have a million and one things to do at work and if i didn't come in it would just pile up...ughh. I really thought about calling in today and yesterday...but oh that's just not a good idea.

Oh well i'm getting out of here, i just wanted to check in w/ all my peeps...sorry i haven't been around lately. Trying to catch up with work and stay awake. I will definitely update u guys on Mr. G at a later time. For now...i'm out - like the 80's, like a belly button and like Ellen...

Peace!

What were you doing 5yrs ago?
I was working as a legal secretary in Beverly Hills for a small law firm. My oldest son had just turned 3 and my middle son had just turned 1. My hubby and i lived in an apartment in L.A. This was before we became ballers...LOL...Crazyyyyyy!!!

Yesterday?
Worked, blogged, emailed buddies, blogged some more, continued working, text-messaged my karate-kid (tee-hee), took the boys to karate practice saw Mr. G...(wink-wink)

5 snacks I enjoy?
Hostess cupcakes, Hot cheetos, 3 musketeers, strawberry tarts (but they HAVE to be from the bakery down the street from my job) and mango w/ lemon and chile...yummy. Its amazing i'm not a whale w/ all the crap i eat!!! I say its good genes and a wonderful metabolism.

5 songs I know all the words to?
Like Dez, i know M.Carey's "we belong together", Evanesence's "my immortal", Shakira's "la tortura", Rocio Durcal's "Amor Eterno" and a bunch of other songs...too many to list...tooooo many.

5 things I'd do with a million dollars?
Sad, but i don't think its enough for all the things i would love to do...1st i'd pay off my home and buy a bigger one...get my Mercedes Benz, hook up my brother's and my mommy...and take my mommy and my kids on a crazy shopping extravaganza...yeah, but after all my debts were paid off first.

5 bad habits I have?
1) Talking over people or interrupting (so rude, i know, i'm working on it)
2) Being so damn undertanding.
3) SHOPPING...
4) Caring about what people think.
5) Wearing my heart on my sleeve.

5 favorite TV shows?
1) The Real World, 2) General Hospital 3)Laguna Beach ( I swear to you it reminds me of highschool, except we weren't white, or rich, but pretty close) 4) So u think u can dance? 5) Music Videos...love videos...

5 biggest joys of the moment?
The 1st 4 spots are taken by my 4 kids....and number 5) My family...they keep me sane...i love them.

5 favorite toys?
1) I'm going to have to say my cell phone...i love that damn thing
2) My new toy (tee hee) my 2005 Escalade
3) My work computer - for Blogging purposes
4) And last but not least.....(drum roll please) Mr. G. my new boy-toy...LOL
That's it...I don't have a 5th...at least not one i can think of....

Ok...i don't know if Caro's been tagged yet, but if not ur tagged, Jaz ur it...and Az u too...

UPDATE!!!

Fine! I'm here. Geez a girl goes away for a while and the peanut gallery goes crazy on ya!!! Yeah i threw that one right at cha' Tannia & Des...But really, i appologize for being M.I.A for a bit there, its just that work is crazy right now and these bastards don't let me catch up w/ my blog buddies...the nerve of these people huh...don't they know that i come here to use the internet and to blog...ughh, i tell u...anywho...here's my update:

Mr. G...(*sigh*) and i have started "talking" that's it...nothing less, nothing more. Its all been playful, innocent chatting. He's such a nice guy. Really, he is. He's polite, thoughtful, "mature" (yeah, i know), sweet and funny. Ok, he's got a lot of the characteristics that i love in a man. He loves to dance (and if u know me, I LOVE TO SHAKE what my momma gave me), and not only does he like to dance but he know's HOW TO DANCE...that in itself is a great accomplishement..ok, he's currently working at the studio training the little grasshoppers and he plans on going into the military next year. Ok, so another bit of info for u...my family is a military family, the step father, my uncle, both my brothers and my cousins are Marines (ooh raah baby). And what branch does Mr. G say he's going to enlist in??? yup, the MARINE CORP baby...do u see where we're going here? ok so, it seems like he's got a pretty good head on his shoulders up till now. And it definitely helps that he's a cutie! We all know about my bad boy fetish and the piercing thing...so that just tops it off.

So what could be the problem? Well, yeah its the age thing. He doesn't have a problem with my age but as much as I say that i don't care what people say....I do....why the hell do i care what others think? why? U know, i said that this was going to be one of the things that i changed about myself...u know, not caring about what people think...but its harder than i thought. I'm not worried about my kids because like i said before, they come first and my main goal is to respect my home and my children. I will never flaunt anything in front of them. so they're not the issue here. Ok, so nothing's out in the open and believe me it won't be cuz my "in-laws" wouldn't understand it. Even though we're not doing anything, they wouldn't be too keen on the idea. I'm sure they would think it was too soon and he's too young...the thing is that honestly, i like his company. he's intersting and funny...and amazingly, pretty mature for his age. The other thing i think about are his parents. Would i be ok with it if my son was dating an older woman? I dunno. I say no now but is that really true? U know, my brother who is 30 was dating a 19 year old and no one really gave a hoot. No one gave him drama, well actually i made fun of him and look what i'm going through now. But what i mean is, that it seems like its much more accepted among men.

So I've decided to just have fun with this guy. Ok pervs get ur head out the gutter. I didn't mean it like"fun, fun" but u know, just see where this road takes us. I'm not about to "fall in love" with anyone, i'm just not ready for that, but i do like the company and the conversations. I also know that he'll be going away so why would i get caught up right? I say we just kick it and have fun...no harm in that. But why oh why do i have that funky feeling about what people will say?? Uggghhhh , its sooo frustrating!!!